Read my mind if you dare...

A Virgin No More

This is a post for me and me alone…

Something that I held onto for 23 years of my life… is gone. It’s weird to say that and to think about. I’m not really sure how I feel about it all just yet. 

I had always been told and believed that I should and would wait until I was married to have sex. That I would wait for that one special person. Well, obviously that did not happen. 

The last month has been quite different for me, that is for dang sure. But Thursday night definitely takes the cake. 

Just a little background: 

On Thursday, this guy who I used to “talk to” and who is now a really good friend of mine, came to town from VA with his cousin and his friend for a vacation. Well on Thursday night, we all went out to the beach bars. I was hanging out with the cousin and getting to know him, etc. Well he was being nice and buying me a few drinks and we were dancing and having fun. I didn’t think anything of it. We get back to my place and him and I end up crashing in my bed. Then the next thing I know we start fooling around and then it just all happened so fast and we were having sex. To be completely honest, the sex was great. But the bad thing was that we didn’t use anything. I got freaked out. Then he kept saying “my cousin (the guy I used to talk to) is going to kill me!” Supposedly he was told not to try anything with me. Lovely. 

The next few days with him and the other guys was a bit awkward at some points, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. They left town on Sunday morning and went back to VA. Who knows if I will ever see or talk to this guy ever again. In a way, I think that might be a good thing. Out of sight, out of mind kinda thing I guess. 

Sooo yea… never would have thought that my first time would be a drunken one night stand with a friend’s cousin from VA. Ha. Oh how things change… 

There is no point in regretting it, what is done is done. I have learned my lesson and I know that I will not be doing that again. Sometimes we just have to learn our lessons the hard way. It all made me realize that my values really are important to me and that I need to just stick to them no matter what. 

Time to move on. 

Note to self: You can’t count on anyone, but yourself.

Everyone will always let you down.

They won’t call when they say they will.
They won’t meet you when they say they will.
They won’t be there for you like they say they will.

Stop giving anyone a chance. You aren’t a priority to them.

I just wish for once I could truly count on someone. I could really use it right about now.

It hurts to be let down all the time by everyone.

I need to only count on myself.

Patience. I am starting to run low.

“Be patient. It will happen.”

Those famous words that I have been told by everyone my entire life. 

If anyone should be the queen of patience…it should be me. 

If I have to hear someone tell me that one more time, I might just scream! I am sick of being patient. Why do I have to be patient when I see everyone around me not having to be as patient as me? 

I am going to admit that it kills me to see all my friends getting into serious relationships, getting engaged, and getting married like it’s nothing. They break up with a boyfriend and a couple weeks later they are out dating. How the hell do they do that and I can’t even get ONE SINGLE DATE in 23 years of living!? That is just messed up! So not fair. But of course life isn’t fair…blah blah blah. And what really really irks me is when I see my friends taking their relationships for granted or just leading on a bunch of different people at the same time! 

I really am running out of patience. 

I’m not saying I want to meet the man of my dreams and fall in love. I just want ONE freakin date. I want to know that I am not a complete freak of nature and can peak a guy’s interest. 

Will it ever happen? Who knows?

All I know is that being patient f’in sucks!!! 

*end rant*

So I did not feel like posting it over on my main blog..

But, the reason I have turned off my ask is due to the recent extreme amounts of rude messages being sent to me. I have to admit…I cannot handle it. I know I should not let the stupid comments of people get to me, but they do. I am not mentally that strong yet. I hate that my blog that I once started out just for me has gotten to the point that I really do not even want to post anymore. I never had any intention on anyone ever reading my blog. I made it for me, now it is starting to become a little too much for me. 

I just received one Anon message that I will not post over there that really really upset me. The message said: “Are you shrinking/editing your progress pictures? Because the pictures of you running look considerably (maybe 40 pounds) heavier than your “progress” pictures where you actually appear thin…”

That killed me. Just yesterday I was thinking that maybe I do look smaller than my previously 45 pound heavier self…but now I am not sure. And just like that I am back to thinking that I look just as huge as I did when I started. That one message just killed that idea for me. Once again I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it did. That is the truth, it killed me. 

:’(

I’ve made a decision..

I decided that I am not going to go anywhere this weekend. I told him that I can’t do it. Of course me telling him that turned into him trying to persuade me even more!

Sheesh!!!

I know that staying home and away from him is the right thing for me. I don’t want to end up doing something I regret. I need to continue to be patient and not just settle for just any guy.

But dang, it sure is not easy! I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head right now…I need to tune them out!

Thanks to all of you who talked to me about it and helped me make the smart decision.

My mind is finally beginning to catch up with my body.

I just spent the last 10 minutes just looking in the mirror…I am finally starting to see that I have a nice shape. I see that I am 45 pounds lighter than before. I don’t feel like the old 270 self. 

I see that:

  • My face is slimmer.
  • My neck is longer.
  • I have collarbones and I love them.
  • My arms are smaller and don’t completely embarrass me anymore.
  • My boobs look a bit smaller and perkier. (yes, I said it haha)
  • My stomach is flatter and I don’t look so bloated.
  • I have a pretty great looking ass. I am starting to love it. 
  • My hips are shrinking, but still keeping their awesome shape.
  • My thighs are smoothing out and are greatly shrinking.
  • My calves are looking awesomely toned.

It sure feels GREAT to finally appreciate my body and see the changes that I am making. 

<3

Thanks you guys!

I know that sounded ridiculous. 

But it really is VERY tempting. 

And I wouldn’t “give it up”…he knows that won’t happen, but as he said he just wants to mess around. 

Gosh now that I am saying all this…I sound like such a hussy! (yet I have never done anything haha)

I don’t like decisions like this… 

Part of me thinks that maybe he would be my only option…ever. (Bad thought, I know)

Facts on the issue with the guy…

-I don’t have feelings for him.

-I am guilty of just liking the attention.

-He is only looking for one thing.

-It would just be for the weekend. 

-Not sure how I would feel after it’s all said and done. 

Still have no idea what to do!

I mean I know the smart decision would be to stay home.

Ahhh my tumblr friends…i need some help..

So the guy who I had my first kiss with almost 2 years ago has been contacting me lately. Well he wants me to come stay the weekend with him. Here is the thing….I want to because I wouldn’t mind getting to spend some time like that with a guy. But then I know it’s a bad idea because of who it is….he is much older and has some issues. I feel crazy for saying this, but I really just want some physical contact. Yeaaa… 

Ahhh I don’t knowww… to go or not to go?